Sleep well, Princess

Zabrina Lee Warnock (nee Harris) was born on July 6, 1972 to Lorraine and Wayne Harris. However, it was her sister, Tabitha, that dubbed her “my baby” much to the exhaustion of her parents. No one protected her (or tortured her) more.

Zabrina was a beautiful child who loved to dance, sing and make music. Her heart was enormous and she made it her life’s mission to make sure everyone she met knew they were loved.

August 24, 1991, she married her best friend, Stanley Warnock. They showed the world what marriage really is by never giving up, no matter how tough it got. Stan kept Zabrina grounded and he was her lighthouse through her darkest storms.
That love produced a beautiful son on August 11, 1998. Nathanyal Carson Warnock was Zabrina’s world. Her eyes shone when he was around. She always said the best thing she ever did was make him and she loved him with a fierceness that was unmatched.
Her love for all her nieces and nephews was every bit the love she had for her own child. She loved them all unconditionally and her only complaint was that she never got to see them enough.

Besides her family, Zabrina’s love for music continued throughout her live. She was self-taught on the piano and had a beautiful voice which she shared with many. She was also the first person on the dance floor when the music started playing.
She was very creative and enjoyed painting and crafting. She loved sitting back and enjoying classic 80s movies and tv…she was convinced she was the 5th Golden Girl! She loved her annual camping trips with her family and enjoyed spending an afternoon or evening at the pool.

Zabrina was never really known for athletic prowess; but when she moved to Mayerthorpe she was brought in to the slo-pitch world. She went from a non-athlete to a pretty damn good back catcher. One of the highlights of her life was getting the last out at the plate to win the C -pool at the Nojack tournament.

Despite her large heart and amazing empathy, or maybe because of it, Zabrina fought the relentless demon of bi-polar disorder. She never battled with anything like she did that. She was never ashamed of her struggles and shared her experience with anyone who asked. We believe her brutal honesty may have made others struggles more bearable and we take solace in knowing her pain is gone now.

She will be forever missed, but she will also be forever loved.

As Zabrina was a strong advocate of mental health initiatives, a donation in her name to the Canadian Mental Health Association would be greatly appreciated.

Life Is Hard

My wife always says I never add anything to the blog site when she is happy and doing well.  This is true and the reason for that is I have no reason to report the good things.  

You can see large gaps in the blogging history when the medication is working as intended and keeping the brain chemistry in balance and my beloved spouse is a high functioning adult.  These are the times reminiscent of an era prior to diagnosis and prior to the catastrophic brain incident that resulted in our lives changing forever.  

People often debate the cause of the incident that resulted in a STARS air ambulance trip to Edmonton.  Whether it was an accidental prescription medications interaction, a pre existing condition or simply a random act, our lives changed forever in 2002.  

Now we are left to wonder at which random moment or with which random act will an abnormal over reaction occur.  With each act, there is usually cause for a reaction and as the spouse I bare the bulk of that responsibility.  It is usually something that I have done that is worthy of a response.  I am not without blame.  

The concern is the level and veracity of such response in the bipolar sufferer.  Last night my wife was choking on a bit of supper.  This was a scary moment particularly for her.  I incorrectly made the assumption she was just coughing and not choking and did not react quickly.  I should have.  After her throat cleared, she was ferociously upset claiming that I did not care about her or her suffering in all areas and not just in the single event.  

As I have blogged in the past, the events are very real. The response is often deserved but it is the level of response that is extraordinary. 

It is incumbent upon the support group including the spouse not to react in kind.  This is the real struggle for the support group.  You want and often need to respond in kind.  This is not acceptable and not fair to the bipolar sufferer.  This is the primary reason for the blog; as a place to vent and to provide advice to those who may share our situation. 

This morning I made the mistake of looking down at my iPad believing that my beloved spouse was speaking to my son and not to me.  This was my mistake and my responsibility. I ignored my beloved spouse in mid sentence. I deserved a negative response.  

This problem is that the patient in a down period extrapolates a single incident of being ignored to be a semblance of EVERY instance of being ignored.  It is the responsibility of a spouse in every relationship not to include past instances into any new argument.  This in itself is a skill. For a bipolar sufferer, particularly in the down period, this is an impossibility.  

I ignored her.  For that I am responsible. I accept the criticism as fair and just.  I however am asked to bare the brunt of EVERY time she has been ignored in her entire life.  

The response is justified but the response is exaggerated.    

I love her with all my heart.  I will stand by her for all eternity but sometimes it is hard. 

Life is hard

50 First Dates

Imagine if fifty first dates was written not as the entertaining comedy with Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler but as a drama with the harsh reality of bipolar disorder and not the farce of amnesia.

This is the life of a bipolar spouse.  Your mate will lash out, be mean spirited and grossly over react in such a way to say very hurtful things not out of hatred or madness but without a clear understanding of the behaviour or it's emotional origin.

The next morning, you are asked to begin again without prejudice, without anger or without evidence of the emotional scaring of the day before.  Judge not, lest Ye be judged.  The principle is very real and a big part of faith but it's practical application is the hardest thing that any spouse of a bipolar partner must endure.

You must keep telling yourself that the sufferer does not understand what he or she is doing or why.  You must treat the previous day like it does not exist.  Like poor Lucy, yesterday does not exist.  

So I say to this, good luck my friends.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Lord, Grant Me Strength

My wife takes potent medication for sleeping.  Her body seems to like the old ways.  The old medications work the best for her.  These medications are powerful depressants, virtually anaesthetics.  They work wonderfully and she gets the rest she so dearly needs to function under the spectre of Bipolar Disorder.

Unfortunately, as any patient will tell you, often sleep is  the only effective coping mechanism in the survival kit.  Patients often take these types of medications too often.  They have to be closely monitored.  For my lovely wife, she is only allowed a seven day supply at one time.  This means she can only get carried away for a short period if. She is trying to sleep to survive as a coping mechanism.

Because of the harsh sedative properties of the old medications, they function almost like a drunken stupor.  The patient literally gets drunk tired.  Taking the medication is very much like a powerful shot.  My lovely wife will even shake violently as if swallowing a shot glass of whiskey.  I feel for her.  These experiences bring back many a bar memory from my youth.

The problem is the similarities with alcohol do not just end there.  If the patient does not achieve the respite of sleep, she is left with the other perils of alcohol, rage.  I have grown to understand this potential.  I have to be the strong one when she turns into the abusive drunk hell bent on hurting anyone and everyone.  I can take it.  I have the character strength to do so.

Usually...   Last night was the first time in a very long time that I got up to leave.  I know this is not her but she can be so hurtful.  I know that the causes of the rage are real and for the most part the causes come from me.  I play a part in this war.  The reaction may be over the top but the causes are very real.  

I normally understand that the abusive attacks are an over reaction but somehow deserved because of my actions but last night the hurtful end of the relationship attacks hurt me badly and I almost left.  I never want to be in that frame of mind again.  I love her with all my heart.  I write this as a catharthis trying to gather all my strength.  The strength to push on.

Grant me strength!

Very good advice at this time of year

Hurtful Responses

My love is still struggling this week.  It has been rare in recent memory for the rage to last for many days.   She is now in the fifth day.  In the depressive state, it is not uncommon for the patient to feel abandoned, alone in the struggle and upset with her plight.  To make matters worse, the patient will withdraw into her room and into herself exacerbating the problem and prolonging the quote unquote down period.

This has been one of the worst in a while.  The patient will further extend the suffering by cancelling appointment for health and beauty.  The patient will struggle to connect and do the simple things to climb out of the abyss.   There is no way inside so there is no helping the patient.

Though a tremendous effort by my son, the patient was nursed back to even and enjoyed a wonderful day purchasing an outfit for a company function, enjoying a wonderful supper, a movie and the wonders of a hot tub.  This was supposed to be the beginning of the up period.  We thought we had weathered the storm.   

The next day, the patient was to receive new dentures.  This was to restore her smile, rebuild the fullness in her lips and allow her to eat corn and steak once more but alas the teeth are tight and uncomfortable.  Though not to be unexpected, this coupled with being so close to the last down period has been very hard on the patient.  She is asleep once again and my heart goes out to her.

There can never be anything out of the ordinary, not now, not ever!!   Things must be then same to maintain the best possible biorhythm.  New dentures, a hair raising trip to Edmonton in a blustery winter storm and Remembrance Day are not routine.  This is as out of the ordinary as it gets.

I love her very much and hate to see her struggling.

So Sad She Could Cry

My beloved wife sat on the couch tonight and just muttered, "Have ever been so close to tears that you can feel them coming on and you don't know why?"

Truer words have never been spoken.  This is how I feel about the horrors of this disorder.   Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry.

My wife's disorder has some known triggers.  If she is faced with a large gathering social situation, she struggles.  Her biorhythm must be maintained through routine, routine, routine.   These gatherings are not routine.  My wife so wanted to attend the Remembrance Day ceremony today.  She is a true patriot.  She loves and respects those who serve.  She wanted to go but shortly before, it happened.  The social stresses derailed her emotions.  She became distant and enraged.  

In near perfect timing, one of my relatives commented, "She has her bitchy pants on today."

How perfect is that?  To tell a person who suffers from a significant emotional disorder, she is having an emotional issue.  It is like telling a cancer patient, their tumour is showing.   Don't you think this beautiful lady, crippled by an emotional disorder, knows she is having trouble.  

The trouble with this disorder is that once derailed, every emotional turmoil is brought to the surface.  Feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and neglect, however unreal are rushed to the surface.  It is all the support group can do to keep my precious wife from making hurtful and rash decisions.  The pain and suffering felt by the patient is so real.  She is in pain.

Tonight she has gone to bed very early.  She knows she is having trouble and her only defence is sleep.  There is no way to help her.  She fights this battle alone.  We don't know how to help other than to wait it out and hope that people will understand.  She means no harm but she lashes out at all members of her support group.  

I only wish her rest and love.