Hurtful Responses

My love is still struggling this week.  It has been rare in recent memory for the rage to last for many days.   She is now in the fifth day.  In the depressive state, it is not uncommon for the patient to feel abandoned, alone in the struggle and upset with her plight.  To make matters worse, the patient will withdraw into her room and into herself exacerbating the problem and prolonging the quote unquote down period.

This has been one of the worst in a while.  The patient will further extend the suffering by cancelling appointment for health and beauty.  The patient will struggle to connect and do the simple things to climb out of the abyss.   There is no way inside so there is no helping the patient.

Though a tremendous effort by my son, the patient was nursed back to even and enjoyed a wonderful day purchasing an outfit for a company function, enjoying a wonderful supper, a movie and the wonders of a hot tub.  This was supposed to be the beginning of the up period.  We thought we had weathered the storm.   

The next day, the patient was to receive new dentures.  This was to restore her smile, rebuild the fullness in her lips and allow her to eat corn and steak once more but alas the teeth are tight and uncomfortable.  Though not to be unexpected, this coupled with being so close to the last down period has been very hard on the patient.  She is asleep once again and my heart goes out to her.

There can never be anything out of the ordinary, not now, not ever!!   Things must be then same to maintain the best possible biorhythm.  New dentures, a hair raising trip to Edmonton in a blustery winter storm and Remembrance Day are not routine.  This is as out of the ordinary as it gets.

I love her very much and hate to see her struggling.

So Sad She Could Cry

My beloved wife sat on the couch tonight and just muttered, "Have ever been so close to tears that you can feel them coming on and you don't know why?"

Truer words have never been spoken.  This is how I feel about the horrors of this disorder.   Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry.

My wife's disorder has some known triggers.  If she is faced with a large gathering social situation, she struggles.  Her biorhythm must be maintained through routine, routine, routine.   These gatherings are not routine.  My wife so wanted to attend the Remembrance Day ceremony today.  She is a true patriot.  She loves and respects those who serve.  She wanted to go but shortly before, it happened.  The social stresses derailed her emotions.  She became distant and enraged.  

In near perfect timing, one of my relatives commented, "She has her bitchy pants on today."

How perfect is that?  To tell a person who suffers from a significant emotional disorder, she is having an emotional issue.  It is like telling a cancer patient, their tumour is showing.   Don't you think this beautiful lady, crippled by an emotional disorder, knows she is having trouble.  

The trouble with this disorder is that once derailed, every emotional turmoil is brought to the surface.  Feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and neglect, however unreal are rushed to the surface.  It is all the support group can do to keep my precious wife from making hurtful and rash decisions.  The pain and suffering felt by the patient is so real.  She is in pain.

Tonight she has gone to bed very early.  She knows she is having trouble and her only defence is sleep.  There is no way to help her.  She fights this battle alone.  We don't know how to help other than to wait it out and hope that people will understand.  She means no harm but she lashes out at all members of her support group.  

I only wish her rest and love.