It is always difficult to play the heavy... To be the bad cop in a parenting relationship. We all have a deep and tremendous love for our children and to have to tell them no, especially we know the requests they make would actually make their life better or at least more fun. It is so hard to say no.
This deep rooted need to avoid no is compounded when the one you love is hurting and her well being is at stake. The horrors of bipolar pain are now well chronicled. The so-called pseudo-fibromyalgia marks a mirrored level of nerve pain that would rival the debilitating terror that keeps many people out of the workforce across North America. The pain is real. For at least one week a month, my beloved wife must be tortured by the evils of her own brain chemistry.
It is this torture that helped lead to her original diagnosis. We would take her to the hospital in horrific pain, they would give her morphine or some derivative. She would go home appeased, suffer a hangover and be back the next night. For over two years, this was my life. Haul her up to the hospital, wait for hours and then take her home only to start again the next day.
I will remember forever a local doctor literally lecturing me... You can't keep bringing her up here. I lost my temper. I screamed in response, "If you think it's mental, then treat that..."
The outburst lead to the formal diagnosis that my beloved had gone from sickly prescription drug addict to bipolar sufferer. I know I have said it before but the word sufferer cannot be overstated. Rest assured, she suffers. Suffers mightily...
My wife endured the horrors of withdrawal on her own. She slayed that demon through a strength of will that I still admire and respect to this day. She became my hero in those moments. She also learned the horrible truth... Once an addict, ALWAYS an addict.
During treatment for her bipolar, our psychiatrist took my aside as the primary caregiver in her support group and told me that every reasonable effort must be made to keep her out of outpatient care. With no disrespect to the world of the general practitioner, they lack the skills necessary to treat the phantom that is bipolar pain. These doctor, through no fault of their own fall back to what they know. They try to treat the pain... WITH PAIN KILLERS!!!
The pain is so intense. The sufferer is also crippled by the pain and not able to look objectively at their disorder to realize that the pain has no physical cause. They are just in pain and want relief. Morphine or one of its evil cousins are given. Relief they will provide. Of that, there is no doubt but it will soon be followed by a monumental hangover including vomiting and yet another headache and cycle begins again... The war won by my beautiful wife suffers a setback and she must go through withdrawal again.... For the umpteenth time.
Now not only must she endure bipolar pain, she must go through withdrawal too. I should be mad. I should be hurt as she lashes out in anger because no one understands. The truth is she is right, no one understands. We, as members of the support group are doomed to watch the sufferer suffer. She says hurtful things like no one cares or if we really did care, we would just take her up to the hospital so she could get relief.
I find myself sitting alone again writing my thoughts knowing that I have just had to seriously hurt the one I love with all my heart by telling her no! I will not take you up to the hospital. There is only one cure for what ails you, time. You have to ride the biorhythm through the down period. I love her to death and it breaks my heart to have to play the heavy. I have to hurt her to save her from herself. No one EVER wants to hurt the one they love most. No one...
I have spoken before about the effects of the holidays on the carefully structured and managed biorhythm that is bipolar life. It leaves the sufferer in a very bad state only to return to regular home life with no functional biorhythm but instead with massive mood swings. This is my advice to any and all who deal with bipolar patients on a regular basis. Right after the holidays, if one of your frequent flyers (yes, I know the terminology) comes in, give them a shot of Gravol to make them feel less nauseous and a bit sleepy and give them a tiny bit of saline and call it the greatest pain medication in the universe, use some exotic scientific name and then send them home with strict bed rest orders.
Giving them morphine or one of its partners in crime will not free you of them for a few nights, instead it will make it worse. I am no doctor but I have endured these trials for 11 years and can make a fair observation...
These patients lack the cognitive understanding to properly present their case. Their rhythm is out of control. They are down, they are sick and in pain and they just want relief. The only relief is time... Like someone trapped in a prison, escape sounds so promising and exciting but the truth is the only release is serving your time.
Counting the days.... God speed....
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