It is always difficult to play the heavy... To be the bad cop in a parenting relationship. We all have a deep and tremendous love for our children and to have to tell them no, especially we know the requests they make would actually make their life better or at least more fun. It is so hard to say no.
This deep rooted need to avoid no is compounded when the one you love is hurting and her well being is at stake. The horrors of bipolar pain are now well chronicled. The so-called pseudo-fibromyalgia marks a mirrored level of nerve pain that would rival the debilitating terror that keeps many people out of the workforce across North America. The pain is real. For at least one week a month, my beloved wife must be tortured by the evils of her own brain chemistry.
It is this torture that helped lead to her original diagnosis. We would take her to the hospital in horrific pain, they would give her morphine or some derivative. She would go home appeased, suffer a hangover and be back the next night. For over two years, this was my life. Haul her up to the hospital, wait for hours and then take her home only to start again the next day.
I will remember forever a local doctor literally lecturing me... You can't keep bringing her up here. I lost my temper. I screamed in response, "If you think it's mental, then treat that..."
The outburst lead to the formal diagnosis that my beloved had gone from sickly prescription drug addict to bipolar sufferer. I know I have said it before but the word sufferer cannot be overstated. Rest assured, she suffers. Suffers mightily...
My wife endured the horrors of withdrawal on her own. She slayed that demon through a strength of will that I still admire and respect to this day. She became my hero in those moments. She also learned the horrible truth... Once an addict, ALWAYS an addict.
During treatment for her bipolar, our psychiatrist took my aside as the primary caregiver in her support group and told me that every reasonable effort must be made to keep her out of outpatient care. With no disrespect to the world of the general practitioner, they lack the skills necessary to treat the phantom that is bipolar pain. These doctor, through no fault of their own fall back to what they know. They try to treat the pain... WITH PAIN KILLERS!!!
The pain is so intense. The sufferer is also crippled by the pain and not able to look objectively at their disorder to realize that the pain has no physical cause. They are just in pain and want relief. Morphine or one of its evil cousins are given. Relief they will provide. Of that, there is no doubt but it will soon be followed by a monumental hangover including vomiting and yet another headache and cycle begins again... The war won by my beautiful wife suffers a setback and she must go through withdrawal again.... For the umpteenth time.
Now not only must she endure bipolar pain, she must go through withdrawal too. I should be mad. I should be hurt as she lashes out in anger because no one understands. The truth is she is right, no one understands. We, as members of the support group are doomed to watch the sufferer suffer. She says hurtful things like no one cares or if we really did care, we would just take her up to the hospital so she could get relief.
I find myself sitting alone again writing my thoughts knowing that I have just had to seriously hurt the one I love with all my heart by telling her no! I will not take you up to the hospital. There is only one cure for what ails you, time. You have to ride the biorhythm through the down period. I love her to death and it breaks my heart to have to play the heavy. I have to hurt her to save her from herself. No one EVER wants to hurt the one they love most. No one...
I have spoken before about the effects of the holidays on the carefully structured and managed biorhythm that is bipolar life. It leaves the sufferer in a very bad state only to return to regular home life with no functional biorhythm but instead with massive mood swings. This is my advice to any and all who deal with bipolar patients on a regular basis. Right after the holidays, if one of your frequent flyers (yes, I know the terminology) comes in, give them a shot of Gravol to make them feel less nauseous and a bit sleepy and give them a tiny bit of saline and call it the greatest pain medication in the universe, use some exotic scientific name and then send them home with strict bed rest orders.
Giving them morphine or one of its partners in crime will not free you of them for a few nights, instead it will make it worse. I am no doctor but I have endured these trials for 11 years and can make a fair observation...
These patients lack the cognitive understanding to properly present their case. Their rhythm is out of control. They are down, they are sick and in pain and they just want relief. The only relief is time... Like someone trapped in a prison, escape sounds so promising and exciting but the truth is the only release is serving your time.
Counting the days.... God speed....
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
I will remember forever, my beautiful wife andI sitting in the psychiatrist's office in 2004 when she was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and him telling us that "this is why bipolar patients end up with no friends. No one can handle the down periods forever."
I literally chuckled and said, "I have a strong constitution. I can handle it. I love her dearly."
For nearly ten years now, I have handled it with as much grace as I could muster. The women in my wife's family have been cursed with the horrors of depression in one form or another for many generations. My wife's mother used to tell the story of Uncle Albin looking at Auntie Flora and smiling, "Yes, Mama."
I have tried to take that story to heart and to always respond, no mater how mean, distasteful or even abusive the comment with "I love you."
She lashes out calling me a liar, an adulterer, an abusive husband because she cannot understand or find her emotional center when it is taken from her by a stressful event or a holiday, anything out of the routine. She accuses me of choosing everything else over her. She cannot see or understand that when she is struggling, there is nothing else but her. No one can focus on anything else. Everything becomes about helping her find her way back to reality.
I consider myself a learned person. I am a voracious reader and have spent my adult life trying to understand this all better. I never believed the rhetoric about a dissociative personality disorder. She has to know how she behaves. She just has to. In the coming days, maybe hours, she will awaken from this monster and my lovely wife will return. She will not remember being overtly aggressive. She will not remember screaming at me in amplified rage. She will not remember stumbling around because she is so susceptible to the medication in this weakened state. She will want to move on. She will want us to move on and we will.
The words in that office echo in my mind, "This is why they have no friends."
Dr.Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde shall never meet...
I literally chuckled and said, "I have a strong constitution. I can handle it. I love her dearly."
For nearly ten years now, I have handled it with as much grace as I could muster. The women in my wife's family have been cursed with the horrors of depression in one form or another for many generations. My wife's mother used to tell the story of Uncle Albin looking at Auntie Flora and smiling, "Yes, Mama."
I have tried to take that story to heart and to always respond, no mater how mean, distasteful or even abusive the comment with "I love you."
She lashes out calling me a liar, an adulterer, an abusive husband because she cannot understand or find her emotional center when it is taken from her by a stressful event or a holiday, anything out of the routine. She accuses me of choosing everything else over her. She cannot see or understand that when she is struggling, there is nothing else but her. No one can focus on anything else. Everything becomes about helping her find her way back to reality.
I consider myself a learned person. I am a voracious reader and have spent my adult life trying to understand this all better. I never believed the rhetoric about a dissociative personality disorder. She has to know how she behaves. She just has to. In the coming days, maybe hours, she will awaken from this monster and my lovely wife will return. She will not remember being overtly aggressive. She will not remember screaming at me in amplified rage. She will not remember stumbling around because she is so susceptible to the medication in this weakened state. She will want to move on. She will want us to move on and we will.
The words in that office echo in my mind, "This is why they have no friends."
Dr.Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde shall never meet...
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Holiday Bliss
Routine!! Routine!! Routine!!
Through nearly 10 years of Bi-polar management, we have learned that if emotional control is going to be maintained, things must remain constant. There can be no out of the ordinary happenings or the emotional swings are drastically amplified. As long as each month is kept filled with routine, the down periods can be measured in minimal days and can be limited to a couple sessions of tears and a couple of fits of rage. This can be managed the removing the bipolar sufferer from the public eye.
Make no mistake about, the patient is the sufferer...
This makes the major holidays VERY tough to manage. Holidays are NOT routine. They involve travel, irregular meals and meal times. They involve tough social situations with people you rarely see. They often invoke unrealistic expectations about the magic of the holiday seasons as portrayed in movies and other media. Inevitably, they involve financial stresses and emotional disappointment.
This is incredibly difficult for a person of normal emotional rhythm, let alone someone whose rhythm is irrational and irregular. The bipolar sufferer loses their emotional safety bar that is "routine" and is left to ride horrid squalls of tsunami like emotional waves like tremendous joy in seeing their family, tremendous sorrow when it never measures up to the expectations, rage when the money seems shorter, pure fury when the plans constantly change and te difficulty of trying to put on a happy face for the public when all these emotions form a tornado in your soul.
Holidays will never be routine so it is about struggling through. It is about the support group bracing for the rage, even outright hatred and learning that the only option, even when they are hurt - and hurt badly is to respond with love. It is our lot in life for choosing to care for these people. They rage! We cannot rage! They react with hatred and we must react with love, no matter it hurts us. It is the only way for the patient to find that safety bar and grasp with all their might to try to pull themselves back to the emotional center.
Hold on and Happy Holidays!!
Through nearly 10 years of Bi-polar management, we have learned that if emotional control is going to be maintained, things must remain constant. There can be no out of the ordinary happenings or the emotional swings are drastically amplified. As long as each month is kept filled with routine, the down periods can be measured in minimal days and can be limited to a couple sessions of tears and a couple of fits of rage. This can be managed the removing the bipolar sufferer from the public eye.
Make no mistake about, the patient is the sufferer...
This makes the major holidays VERY tough to manage. Holidays are NOT routine. They involve travel, irregular meals and meal times. They involve tough social situations with people you rarely see. They often invoke unrealistic expectations about the magic of the holiday seasons as portrayed in movies and other media. Inevitably, they involve financial stresses and emotional disappointment.
This is incredibly difficult for a person of normal emotional rhythm, let alone someone whose rhythm is irrational and irregular. The bipolar sufferer loses their emotional safety bar that is "routine" and is left to ride horrid squalls of tsunami like emotional waves like tremendous joy in seeing their family, tremendous sorrow when it never measures up to the expectations, rage when the money seems shorter, pure fury when the plans constantly change and te difficulty of trying to put on a happy face for the public when all these emotions form a tornado in your soul.
Holidays will never be routine so it is about struggling through. It is about the support group bracing for the rage, even outright hatred and learning that the only option, even when they are hurt - and hurt badly is to respond with love. It is our lot in life for choosing to care for these people. They rage! We cannot rage! They react with hatred and we must react with love, no matter it hurts us. It is the only way for the patient to find that safety bar and grasp with all their might to try to pull themselves back to the emotional center.
Hold on and Happy Holidays!!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Lost in the Amplification....
The low point of the bipolar biorhythm is a tough one. Often medication can be a horrible influence. We have seen the dark side of mixing medication with the low point turning sadness into violent rage. The low point is characterized by the amplification of negative emotions, thoughts and beliefs.
One of the key learning a for the support group is to understand what this all means. To give an example, if the patient feels neglected even for a moment, than the negative emotion is amplified to be unloved ALL the time. If the patient feels an activity was chosen over her, then that activity is loved MORE than her for all time. This makes life very difficult for the support group during the down period not knowing or understanding what will be taken to these high levels. No one is certain which act will be seen as a slight and then amplified to the extreme.
When it happens, all that remains is trying to make it out of the down period with minimal collateral damage. This is about minimizing the hurt to the family, to the extended family and to the support group. We all have to keep reminding one another that the patient is not in control of the amplification and that often the criticism is justified, just not to the nth degree.
The patient often has a valid point to make about feelings of neglect, about misplaced use of time and about feelings of support but those feelings are lost in the amplified emotions.
The support group must keep reminding the patient of their importance, of their being loved and about their involvement in the core social group to help them follow the path back to the middle ground of the biorhythm.
The patient is the suffering. Though the support group bares the brunt, everyone must remember that one true fact.
One of the key learning a for the support group is to understand what this all means. To give an example, if the patient feels neglected even for a moment, than the negative emotion is amplified to be unloved ALL the time. If the patient feels an activity was chosen over her, then that activity is loved MORE than her for all time. This makes life very difficult for the support group during the down period not knowing or understanding what will be taken to these high levels. No one is certain which act will be seen as a slight and then amplified to the extreme.
When it happens, all that remains is trying to make it out of the down period with minimal collateral damage. This is about minimizing the hurt to the family, to the extended family and to the support group. We all have to keep reminding one another that the patient is not in control of the amplification and that often the criticism is justified, just not to the nth degree.
The patient often has a valid point to make about feelings of neglect, about misplaced use of time and about feelings of support but those feelings are lost in the amplified emotions.
The support group must keep reminding the patient of their importance, of their being loved and about their involvement in the core social group to help them follow the path back to the middle ground of the biorhythm.
The patient is the suffering. Though the support group bares the brunt, everyone must remember that one true fact.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Bipolar Management
My beautiful wife was in Edmonton to attend an appointment for pain management.one of the worst parts about being a bi-polar sufferers is the pain symptoms commonly known as bi-polar pain and becoming more accepted in the psychological world as pseudo-fibromyalgia. This chronic pain is a big part of life as a bi-polar patient and is the one area where I have a tremendous respect for my beautiful wife. To endure this suffering would be an emotional drain on a person of normal psychological makeup let alone a person who suffers an emotional disorder.
As part of these sessions on pain management, she must also receive ongoing additional psychiatric care. This care has primarily been focused on stop smoking activities. It is also common amongst bi-polar patients who often feel out of control in their life to gravitate to something they can control. Sadly, the one thing they can control is what they do to their bodies. This will often be shown in eating disorders or in the worst scenarios in addiction issues. Many bipolar patients end up with staunch and often debilitating addictions. My lovely wife has been able to focus this on smoking cigarettes. Yes, they are still killing her but at least it is slow.
It was during the discussion of what are the common stressors for her smoking that a very interesting discussion about bipolar treatment developed. The discussion centered around the belief that someday there will come a magical breakthrough and my lovely wife will become a cured and normal functioning adult. While we all hope for a miracle, we are not so naive as to belief the truth. The best we can hope for is to minimize the number of down days.
This is most difficult thing to sell to members of the extended support group for any bipolar sufferer. Everyone just wants to have things return to normal. If it were only that easy. I have tried countless reference tools to demonstrate this fact with little or no success. People point to these support groups where there are patients who claim to be miraculously cured. Remember this fact, my wife will appear to be 100% normal for the bulk of the month as well and could attend one of these sessions and discuss in a learned and lucid manner her disorder and her controls. She would appear to be cured on to fall back days later into a state that only demonstrates that she is nothing more than a high functioning mental patient. This is not a criticism. During her up periods, she has a keen understanding of the disorder and because of what she has endured, perhaps a better understanding than even the most educated psychiatrist.
The discussion has yielded one of the best descriptions of bipolar management I have ever heard. The treatment of bipolar disorder is no different than the treatment of diabetes or liver disease. Bipolar management is designed to minimize the low periods which damage the patient through chronic pain and through the emotional scaring to their personality through lashing out and poor behaviour. Diabetes management is designed to minimize the highs or the lows (At its worst, a low blood sugar sufferer may not wake up the next morning.)
Believe me, there are many times when a bipolar patient is in an extreme low that there is the fear they too may not wake up the next morning. The goal remains the same. Minimize those damaging extreme lows. Diabetes is never cured it is controlled; often ver effectively. Bipolar is never cured. It is only managed.
This is one of the best descriptions of what we have been through over the past many years. The worst part is the support group sees it only from the outside. Yes, the support group can be hurt emotionally by the lashing out, rage and depression, but no one I the support group has to endure the bipolar pain, insomnia of the manic period or the depression that deeply hurts the soul from within.
We all love you dearly and are here as a support group...
Unconditionally.
As part of these sessions on pain management, she must also receive ongoing additional psychiatric care. This care has primarily been focused on stop smoking activities. It is also common amongst bi-polar patients who often feel out of control in their life to gravitate to something they can control. Sadly, the one thing they can control is what they do to their bodies. This will often be shown in eating disorders or in the worst scenarios in addiction issues. Many bipolar patients end up with staunch and often debilitating addictions. My lovely wife has been able to focus this on smoking cigarettes. Yes, they are still killing her but at least it is slow.
It was during the discussion of what are the common stressors for her smoking that a very interesting discussion about bipolar treatment developed. The discussion centered around the belief that someday there will come a magical breakthrough and my lovely wife will become a cured and normal functioning adult. While we all hope for a miracle, we are not so naive as to belief the truth. The best we can hope for is to minimize the number of down days.
This is most difficult thing to sell to members of the extended support group for any bipolar sufferer. Everyone just wants to have things return to normal. If it were only that easy. I have tried countless reference tools to demonstrate this fact with little or no success. People point to these support groups where there are patients who claim to be miraculously cured. Remember this fact, my wife will appear to be 100% normal for the bulk of the month as well and could attend one of these sessions and discuss in a learned and lucid manner her disorder and her controls. She would appear to be cured on to fall back days later into a state that only demonstrates that she is nothing more than a high functioning mental patient. This is not a criticism. During her up periods, she has a keen understanding of the disorder and because of what she has endured, perhaps a better understanding than even the most educated psychiatrist.
The discussion has yielded one of the best descriptions of bipolar management I have ever heard. The treatment of bipolar disorder is no different than the treatment of diabetes or liver disease. Bipolar management is designed to minimize the low periods which damage the patient through chronic pain and through the emotional scaring to their personality through lashing out and poor behaviour. Diabetes management is designed to minimize the highs or the lows (At its worst, a low blood sugar sufferer may not wake up the next morning.)
Believe me, there are many times when a bipolar patient is in an extreme low that there is the fear they too may not wake up the next morning. The goal remains the same. Minimize those damaging extreme lows. Diabetes is never cured it is controlled; often ver effectively. Bipolar is never cured. It is only managed.
This is one of the best descriptions of what we have been through over the past many years. The worst part is the support group sees it only from the outside. Yes, the support group can be hurt emotionally by the lashing out, rage and depression, but no one I the support group has to endure the bipolar pain, insomnia of the manic period or the depression that deeply hurts the soul from within.
We all love you dearly and are here as a support group...
Unconditionally.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Heaven Help Us...
Strength of character falls to those in the support group. The patient rages against those around them when they suffer from the down period.
It is up to those in the support group to forget. The patient will always forget. They barely understand the drama they create. We have been told by many in the psychiatric field that this is why the support group fails. They cannot forget.
They cannot understand how someone can take a miniscule complaint like being asked to do the dishes and turn it into being an oppressive partner who sees the actions as pigeon-holing them into the role of subservient spouse, to abusing them as the help.
In the down period, all emotions are amplified in a negative way. This is very painful for the support group. We all must take a step back and realize that it is not permanent
A wise friend of mine once said, just leave it in the past.
I used to be able to turn it off. I have to remind myself everytime now. She does not mean it. It is not who she is.
She is a wonderful lady, a better mother who would die for her son and not this monster who appears for 3 to 5 days every month
It is up to those in the support group to forget. The patient will always forget. They barely understand the drama they create. We have been told by many in the psychiatric field that this is why the support group fails. They cannot forget.
They cannot understand how someone can take a miniscule complaint like being asked to do the dishes and turn it into being an oppressive partner who sees the actions as pigeon-holing them into the role of subservient spouse, to abusing them as the help.
In the down period, all emotions are amplified in a negative way. This is very painful for the support group. We all must take a step back and realize that it is not permanent
A wise friend of mine once said, just leave it in the past.
I used to be able to turn it off. I have to remind myself everytime now. She does not mean it. It is not who she is.
She is a wonderful lady, a better mother who would die for her son and not this monster who appears for 3 to 5 days every month
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Support Group Anxiety
We have had to deal with bipolar disorder for over 10 years. My wife in all likelihood would be institutionalized had she not had the support of her friends and family. We love her dearly.
When she was first diagnosed, we would literally spend 3 to 4 nights a week in outpatient care waiting for a general practitioner to give a shot of the pain killer of the day to get her through the night. She would literally have 20 plus bad days each month. It was both horrific and time consuming for us as a support netwok but worse for her as the patient. Finally after a bitter argument in a hospital waiting room, she was sent to see a psychaitrist where diagnosis could finally be made.
This man would take us on a very long journey that continues to this day. He was open and honest about the diagnosis ~ something not very common in the psychological field, let me tell you. He told us that my beautiful wife would have to endure pain that would rival some of the worst chronic pain known to mankind (something that we would later learn is called Para-fibromyalgia) and that no matter how many tests or procedures, there would be no cause discovered and no relief given beyond the notion that this too will pass as part of our monthly roller coaster ride. The only relief from the pain is sleep and it becomes the craving of most bipolar patients.
Sadly with the brain chemistry associated with bipolar disorder, insomnia is oten a side effect... Thus, endure she must.
We have been told over and over again that there is no cure and that the best we could ever hope for is to minimuze the amount of days in the down period. We have gone from 20 to 25 days in 30 down to a much more manageable 4 to 7 days. Though difficult, this is a monumental improvement.
We have seen the dark side of mood stabilizers. Some of the more powerful ones left my loving wife a zombie who wandered aimlessly through the days and who would fall asleep in the restaurant during coffee. This is not something we want to return to and never dreamed it would be a possibility.
The sad part of the struggles of bipolar disorder is that pain and tension can be unbareable and for the last few years, this has been the down period. My lovely wife would become sickly and sad. She would become overtired and grumpy but we all understood the reasoning and the cause and we could deal with it. The down period was only going to last a few days and we could help her through her struggles. We would hold each other. We would cry a little. We would even fight a little but we would survive and build a strength that would prepare us for the next round.
This is a burden on the support group and we would all like to voice our displeasure with being asked to do this over and over again but what we often forget is it a greater burden on the patient. She must endure the pain of bipolar. She must endure the loneliness and feelings of being a burden deep within her spirit.
We have been told by the experts that this is why the support group fails. People, even the most sane and rational, cannot bare to keep jumping into the emotional blender each and every month. They finally have to cut loose leaving the patient to face these wilds alone. When the support group fails, the patient becomes institutionalized or worse suicidal.
So we stand guard, protecting her against the dangers of a world she can never understand or can never see from within ~ and worse yet, from the medication necessary to maintain her life does not remember. We have all promised to do this for all eternity and then something new crops up...
What if the down period choses another negative emotion... For the past few years, it has chosen sadness and depression ~ horrible in their own right but since June of 2012, the emotion has become rage. This is not the perils of a psychotic episode... She is not about to kill herself or others. Instead, this is an amplification of everything negative in her life... A complaint about not getting a present on her birthday becomes a noboby loves me thing and everyone needs to pay for that. The sad part if the complaint is real (I did not get her a birthday present ~ although later I did get her a movie), the response is very over the top.
This lashing out has been described before... It is part of the disorder but until recently, it has not been accompanied by rage...
We are told my people in the field of psychology that the support group breaks down. The people around the patient cannot handle the stresses that are required to get the patient through the down period. I do not want to be a part of this norm. This is not who I am or who I believe the support group is. We will get through this like we get through all the other struggles. We love her too much to fail.
When she was first diagnosed, we would literally spend 3 to 4 nights a week in outpatient care waiting for a general practitioner to give a shot of the pain killer of the day to get her through the night. She would literally have 20 plus bad days each month. It was both horrific and time consuming for us as a support netwok but worse for her as the patient. Finally after a bitter argument in a hospital waiting room, she was sent to see a psychaitrist where diagnosis could finally be made.
This man would take us on a very long journey that continues to this day. He was open and honest about the diagnosis ~ something not very common in the psychological field, let me tell you. He told us that my beautiful wife would have to endure pain that would rival some of the worst chronic pain known to mankind (something that we would later learn is called Para-fibromyalgia) and that no matter how many tests or procedures, there would be no cause discovered and no relief given beyond the notion that this too will pass as part of our monthly roller coaster ride. The only relief from the pain is sleep and it becomes the craving of most bipolar patients.
Sadly with the brain chemistry associated with bipolar disorder, insomnia is oten a side effect... Thus, endure she must.
We have been told over and over again that there is no cure and that the best we could ever hope for is to minimuze the amount of days in the down period. We have gone from 20 to 25 days in 30 down to a much more manageable 4 to 7 days. Though difficult, this is a monumental improvement.
We have seen the dark side of mood stabilizers. Some of the more powerful ones left my loving wife a zombie who wandered aimlessly through the days and who would fall asleep in the restaurant during coffee. This is not something we want to return to and never dreamed it would be a possibility.
The sad part of the struggles of bipolar disorder is that pain and tension can be unbareable and for the last few years, this has been the down period. My lovely wife would become sickly and sad. She would become overtired and grumpy but we all understood the reasoning and the cause and we could deal with it. The down period was only going to last a few days and we could help her through her struggles. We would hold each other. We would cry a little. We would even fight a little but we would survive and build a strength that would prepare us for the next round.
This is a burden on the support group and we would all like to voice our displeasure with being asked to do this over and over again but what we often forget is it a greater burden on the patient. She must endure the pain of bipolar. She must endure the loneliness and feelings of being a burden deep within her spirit.
We have been told by the experts that this is why the support group fails. People, even the most sane and rational, cannot bare to keep jumping into the emotional blender each and every month. They finally have to cut loose leaving the patient to face these wilds alone. When the support group fails, the patient becomes institutionalized or worse suicidal.
So we stand guard, protecting her against the dangers of a world she can never understand or can never see from within ~ and worse yet, from the medication necessary to maintain her life does not remember. We have all promised to do this for all eternity and then something new crops up...
What if the down period choses another negative emotion... For the past few years, it has chosen sadness and depression ~ horrible in their own right but since June of 2012, the emotion has become rage. This is not the perils of a psychotic episode... She is not about to kill herself or others. Instead, this is an amplification of everything negative in her life... A complaint about not getting a present on her birthday becomes a noboby loves me thing and everyone needs to pay for that. The sad part if the complaint is real (I did not get her a birthday present ~ although later I did get her a movie), the response is very over the top.
This lashing out has been described before... It is part of the disorder but until recently, it has not been accompanied by rage...
We are told my people in the field of psychology that the support group breaks down. The people around the patient cannot handle the stresses that are required to get the patient through the down period. I do not want to be a part of this norm. This is not who I am or who I believe the support group is. We will get through this like we get through all the other struggles. We love her too much to fail.
Medical Malpractice
In 2002, my beautiful wife suffered a stroke that left her with a difficut brain injury and a bipolar personality disorder.
This has made her life very erratic. She is a beacon of light one moment and a sickly child the next, but I love her too death.
Because of her sensitivities, she is often sick and has to seek medical attention. Because she is a high functioning mental patient, the doctors claim to know the cause is predominantly mental in nature.
I understand that. Because of this fact, she is often left waiting for hours at the hospital. I am not a fool. I understand triage medicine but using stalling tactics to make some sort of statement about outpatient care use on a mental patient is just plain stupid. She wont learn that lesson and all it does is show the flaws in our medical system.
** This was from a couple of weeks ago but I did not have time to add it to the Blog.
This has made her life very erratic. She is a beacon of light one moment and a sickly child the next, but I love her too death.
Because of her sensitivities, she is often sick and has to seek medical attention. Because she is a high functioning mental patient, the doctors claim to know the cause is predominantly mental in nature.
I understand that. Because of this fact, she is often left waiting for hours at the hospital. I am not a fool. I understand triage medicine but using stalling tactics to make some sort of statement about outpatient care use on a mental patient is just plain stupid. She wont learn that lesson and all it does is show the flaws in our medical system.
** This was from a couple of weeks ago but I did not have time to add it to the Blog.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Lashing Out...
When you are left with nothing to explain your pain, discomfort and feelings of loneliness, you are left with an anger that can only be described by these words:
"I don't know why they can't figure out why I hurt and why no pain medication seems to work"
I have heard these words so many times in my life. My beautiful wife has been left to endure indescribable discomfort for between one and two weeks each month. This first appeared as migraine headaches. She would be gettig shots of morphine and demoral on a regular basis to eliviate the pain.
Sadly, in most cases, all this medication did was make her sleepy. There is no cure for a pain caused by irregular brain chemistry. This is the most common diagnosis for a Bi-polar sufferer. No medication will attack this pain so when the sleepiness wears off, the pain returns. I have spent many an evening in the hospital or waiting by the phone for a call to pick her up from the hospital. These were horrible times.
My poor sweetheart was left searching for a cure or the pain. She was accused of doctor shopping, or being in search of a high and countless other hypochondriac stuff. If you suffer this horrible disease, this is sadly in your future.
In recent times, the discomfort has come in the form of an ongoing nausea - an almost one a month flu that masks with body aches, the horrors of dry heaving and the ongoing nausea. This is a horrible feeling for the sufferer and worse for those around them.
Here is another phrase I have to get used to:
"I am sick and tred of being sick and tired"
I try to be helpful. I try to keep her away from the hospital and the dispicable calls about being a hypochondriac and a drug user. Sometimes it is very hard. She wants relief. I want her to have relief but the only true relief is time. It is hard on us as a family and worse yet it is harder on my lovely wife. She is the one who has to suffer through it.
When you are in pain and discomfort all the time, you tend to become angry and you lash out at those around you. There is no relief so someone must take your frustratin. This is why bipolar patients end up with no friends and at odds with their family. Few can see it for what it is... Just lashing out.
I have been told so many times that the lashing out is not caused by bipolar or bipolar pain but I know this wonderful lady who has the biggest heart in the whole world is not this person she becomes.
I love her dearly and count the days each month until she finds her way through it sadly knowing that it is going to happen again in 30 days.
"I don't know why they can't figure out why I hurt and why no pain medication seems to work"
I have heard these words so many times in my life. My beautiful wife has been left to endure indescribable discomfort for between one and two weeks each month. This first appeared as migraine headaches. She would be gettig shots of morphine and demoral on a regular basis to eliviate the pain.
Sadly, in most cases, all this medication did was make her sleepy. There is no cure for a pain caused by irregular brain chemistry. This is the most common diagnosis for a Bi-polar sufferer. No medication will attack this pain so when the sleepiness wears off, the pain returns. I have spent many an evening in the hospital or waiting by the phone for a call to pick her up from the hospital. These were horrible times.
My poor sweetheart was left searching for a cure or the pain. She was accused of doctor shopping, or being in search of a high and countless other hypochondriac stuff. If you suffer this horrible disease, this is sadly in your future.
In recent times, the discomfort has come in the form of an ongoing nausea - an almost one a month flu that masks with body aches, the horrors of dry heaving and the ongoing nausea. This is a horrible feeling for the sufferer and worse for those around them.
Here is another phrase I have to get used to:
"I am sick and tred of being sick and tired"
I try to be helpful. I try to keep her away from the hospital and the dispicable calls about being a hypochondriac and a drug user. Sometimes it is very hard. She wants relief. I want her to have relief but the only true relief is time. It is hard on us as a family and worse yet it is harder on my lovely wife. She is the one who has to suffer through it.
When you are in pain and discomfort all the time, you tend to become angry and you lash out at those around you. There is no relief so someone must take your frustratin. This is why bipolar patients end up with no friends and at odds with their family. Few can see it for what it is... Just lashing out.
I have been told so many times that the lashing out is not caused by bipolar or bipolar pain but I know this wonderful lady who has the biggest heart in the whole world is not this person she becomes.
I love her dearly and count the days each month until she finds her way through it sadly knowing that it is going to happen again in 30 days.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
The Four Ladies in My Life
To My One True Love,
It is sometimes as though I live with four women.
One is a very tired, very sleepy and somewhat weepy. She cries during the Sears Commercial and then calls her Daddy. She has the biggest heart, the softest spirit and is an angel who burdens herself with the problems of others. She has cared for my wayward brother. She has been an angel of understanding who has been a shoulder to cry on for not one, but two fibromyalgia sufferers. This lady will accept a big hug and give a bigger one in return. This lady I love with all my heart and just love to snuggle with. She comes around only in the first week of the month and is an angel to us all.
The second is a manic dynamo. She has the more energy than anyone I know. She is a fabulous cook - her spaghetti would rival the best in the world. She is a tireless mother who has formed a bond with her son that cannot be put into words. She cooks, cleans and does laundry and still hs time for friends and family. This lady I admire so much. Her efforts have grown a fine young man. Her efforts have made our house a home. She i a great lady respected by her family, her extended family and the community as a whole. In just one week each month, she does more around the house than I do in a month. This woman is a wonderful wife, a better mother and an example to the community.
In week three, we all get to meet the balance of week one and week two. Bringing the big heart of week one and the energy of week two, we are blessed with the most playful and sexual of all these great ladies. With a sharp wit that makes her one of the great lovers of all generations. Her playful nature brings a special spice to the coffee house; a spice that can bring a smile to even the most caustic sourpuss. A spice that brings a fun and very special wordplay between her and I. Unlike the big hearted angel of week one who I love and care so deeply for or the dynamo of week two whom I admire and respect, this woman i lust for with a passion that can't be put into words. Even after twenty years there is a passion between us that still gives me goosebumps and makes me weak in the knees. She is the great lover that was a high school legend and still makes my heart a-flutter.
These three great ladies form the love of my life but could not exist without the fourth lady who fills the last week of each cycle. This lady must endure the great pain of bipolar disorder. She has to endure the dark side of this horrible disease. In tremendous pain, she lashes out at those around her. Though her mood and anger are difficult to get past and either dirve or push those around her away, this lady is the one I try to love the most. She i the one who is suffering. She is the one who feels abandoned and left alone by the disorder. She needs a hug from the lady with a big heart or the strength of her dynamo self or the passionate wit of her blended spirit. Sadly, this lady must walk this hell alone. No one can love her enough, not these great ladies within her spirit, not even her family, her extended family or even me ~ no matter how hard I try.
Her psychiatrist once said this is why bi-polar patients end up with no friends. Few understand the lashing out, loneliness and in pain. This lady is actually the strongest and most powerful. It is this fourth lady who must survive the physical pain of this disease. I have seen it when it is so bad she can barely walk.
On a dark day in 2002, my one true love suffered an attack that has been described in too many ways to truly clarify but a day that took my sweetheart and split her into fractured versions of herself.
I long for the day when these four great ladies will meet again and they can know they were all in this together and together they are why we are all here ~ to make the world a better place.
To my one true love, whom I love, admire, lust for and pray for...
I love you, Baby with all my heart...
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