It is sometimes as though I live with four women.
One is a very tired, very sleepy and somewhat weepy. She cries during the Sears Commercial and then calls her Daddy. She has the biggest heart, the softest spirit and is an angel who burdens herself with the problems of others. She has cared for my wayward brother. She has been an angel of understanding who has been a shoulder to cry on for not one, but two fibromyalgia sufferers. This lady will accept a big hug and give a bigger one in return. This lady I love with all my heart and just love to snuggle with. She comes around only in the first week of the month and is an angel to us all.
The second is a manic dynamo. She has the more energy than anyone I know. She is a fabulous cook - her spaghetti would rival the best in the world. She is a tireless mother who has formed a bond with her son that cannot be put into words. She cooks, cleans and does laundry and still hs time for friends and family. This lady I admire so much. Her efforts have grown a fine young man. Her efforts have made our house a home. She i a great lady respected by her family, her extended family and the community as a whole. In just one week each month, she does more around the house than I do in a month. This woman is a wonderful wife, a better mother and an example to the community.
In week three, we all get to meet the balance of week one and week two. Bringing the big heart of week one and the energy of week two, we are blessed with the most playful and sexual of all these great ladies. With a sharp wit that makes her one of the great lovers of all generations. Her playful nature brings a special spice to the coffee house; a spice that can bring a smile to even the most caustic sourpuss. A spice that brings a fun and very special wordplay between her and I. Unlike the big hearted angel of week one who I love and care so deeply for or the dynamo of week two whom I admire and respect, this woman i lust for with a passion that can't be put into words. Even after twenty years there is a passion between us that still gives me goosebumps and makes me weak in the knees. She is the great lover that was a high school legend and still makes my heart a-flutter.
These three great ladies form the love of my life but could not exist without the fourth lady who fills the last week of each cycle. This lady must endure the great pain of bipolar disorder. She has to endure the dark side of this horrible disease. In tremendous pain, she lashes out at those around her. Though her mood and anger are difficult to get past and either dirve or push those around her away, this lady is the one I try to love the most. She i the one who is suffering. She is the one who feels abandoned and left alone by the disorder. She needs a hug from the lady with a big heart or the strength of her dynamo self or the passionate wit of her blended spirit. Sadly, this lady must walk this hell alone. No one can love her enough, not these great ladies within her spirit, not even her family, her extended family or even me ~ no matter how hard I try.
Her psychiatrist once said this is why bi-polar patients end up with no friends. Few understand the lashing out, loneliness and in pain. This lady is actually the strongest and most powerful. It is this fourth lady who must survive the physical pain of this disease. I have seen it when it is so bad she can barely walk.
On a dark day in 2002, my one true love suffered an attack that has been described in too many ways to truly clarify but a day that took my sweetheart and split her into fractured versions of herself.
I long for the day when these four great ladies will meet again and they can know they were all in this together and together they are why we are all here ~ to make the world a better place.
To my one true love, whom I love, admire, lust for and pray for...
I love you, Baby with all my heart...
